I don’t mind eating you, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

DSC00608Dear Insect World,

First off, I would like to say that I think you guys are really cool. You are tiny, little things (no disrespect meant, of course) yet you make a huge difference in the world. You punch above your weight. However, I do have a teeny, tiny request to make of you in regards to biking etiquette and insect/human etiquette in general.

I don’t mind when you cling to me and use my shirt or pants as a rest area in between your flights while I pedal onwards, I get it, I am a tempting free ride.

I don’t care if you ambitiously spin webs from railings and road signs, causing threads of silk to become caught on my handlebars as I go past, even if I would advise you to move your construction location a bit further from the road as it really in both of our best interests.

I am not offended by you biting me and sucking my blood when I get off my bike to take pictures of the landscape or an odd-looking flower, but I think it only fair to warn you that my hand may turn into a lethal weapon.

I will not scream in fright if me follow beside me and buzz in my ear, I am a good listener even if your language is a little foreign to me.

I am not bothered if you come out of nowhere and bop me on the nose, leaving it covered in yellow pollen. I find it quite funny, in fact, to stare out of the corner of my eye and see nothing but yellow. Pollen is probably good for my skin or something anyway. So there are health benefits involved here.

I will not think less of you if you fly into my mouth and disappear into the cavernous void beyond. Free protein laden snack delivered directly to my mouth? Does it get much better than that?

I will not become angry if you crawl underneath my shirt and sting me, although you will probably end up dead.

My only request is please do not dive-bomb into my eyes. That should be considered no-landing zone. I know I look like a target and the pupils of my eyes look like the bull’s-eye and it is probably the dream of every flying bug to make a perfect landing there, but it is not good. Not for me and my safety, not for you and your safety as one of your fellow citizens learned quite tragically this morning.

I had only two and a half miles of my morning commute left when Gerof (not sure about the spelling, his tombstone was too small for me to read properly) rapidly came into my line of sight and then onto my line of sight, making my line of sight become quite blurry for a shocking moment. Gerof then scrambled around in my eye somewhere for a brief time, which was painful and irritable to me and deadly for him.

I tried to retrieve his limp body but I was unable to until I reached my workplace (you know the location, a squad of flies are deployed there to storm the fortress of food anytime there is a breach in the defense system) and looked in the mirror to locate him. I do not want to make light of your grief at such a sensitive time, but even though he was dead, my eye looked the worse of the two victims.

Red and swollen, it looked like the eye of a monster (which I suppose you think I am since poor Gerof is dead). But I do not believe I am the monster in this case- my eye could have been spared, Gerof’s life could have been spared, if there was enforced regulation of “The Human Eye as a No-Land Zone” legislation.   It must be done for the safety of eyes and lives everywhere.

I don’t want to threaten you, just gently remind you that more cyclists on the road equals less cars on the road and I am sure all of you have relatives or friends who have met their end on the windshield of a vehicle. Make cycling safer for our eyes and we will make roads safer for your lives.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

The Red-Eyed Non-Monster

Edited to add
But it turns out the real moral of the story here is (thanks to timely reminders from MG and Jim) that a certain Red-Eyed Non-Monster should always wear eye protection to save her eyes and countless bug lives from utter destruction.