I don’t mind eating you, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

DSC00608Dear Insect World,

First off, I would like to say that I think you guys are really cool. You are tiny, little things (no disrespect meant, of course) yet you make a huge difference in the world. You punch above your weight. However, I do have a teeny, tiny request to make of you in regards to biking etiquette and insect/human etiquette in general.

I don’t mind when you cling to me and use my shirt or pants as a rest area in between your flights while I pedal onwards, I get it, I am a tempting free ride.

I don’t care if you ambitiously spin webs from railings and road signs, causing threads of silk to become caught on my handlebars as I go past, even if I would advise you to move your construction location a bit further from the road as it really in both of our best interests.

I am not offended by you biting me and sucking my blood when I get off my bike to take pictures of the landscape or an odd-looking flower, but I think it only fair to warn you that my hand may turn into a lethal weapon.

I will not scream in fright if me follow beside me and buzz in my ear, I am a good listener even if your language is a little foreign to me.

I am not bothered if you come out of nowhere and bop me on the nose, leaving it covered in yellow pollen. I find it quite funny, in fact, to stare out of the corner of my eye and see nothing but yellow. Pollen is probably good for my skin or something anyway. So there are health benefits involved here.

I will not think less of you if you fly into my mouth and disappear into the cavernous void beyond. Free protein laden snack delivered directly to my mouth? Does it get much better than that?

I will not become angry if you crawl underneath my shirt and sting me, although you will probably end up dead.

My only request is please do not dive-bomb into my eyes. That should be considered no-landing zone. I know I look like a target and the pupils of my eyes look like the bull’s-eye and it is probably the dream of every flying bug to make a perfect landing there, but it is not good. Not for me and my safety, not for you and your safety as one of your fellow citizens learned quite tragically this morning.

I had only two and a half miles of my morning commute left when Gerof (not sure about the spelling, his tombstone was too small for me to read properly) rapidly came into my line of sight and then onto my line of sight, making my line of sight become quite blurry for a shocking moment. Gerof then scrambled around in my eye somewhere for a brief time, which was painful and irritable to me and deadly for him.

I tried to retrieve his limp body but I was unable to until I reached my workplace (you know the location, a squad of flies are deployed there to storm the fortress of food anytime there is a breach in the defense system) and looked in the mirror to locate him. I do not want to make light of your grief at such a sensitive time, but even though he was dead, my eye looked the worse of the two victims.

Red and swollen, it looked like the eye of a monster (which I suppose you think I am since poor Gerof is dead). But I do not believe I am the monster in this case- my eye could have been spared, Gerof’s life could have been spared, if there was enforced regulation of “The Human Eye as a No-Land Zone” legislation.   It must be done for the safety of eyes and lives everywhere.

I don’t want to threaten you, just gently remind you that more cyclists on the road equals less cars on the road and I am sure all of you have relatives or friends who have met their end on the windshield of a vehicle. Make cycling safer for our eyes and we will make roads safer for your lives.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
The Red-Eyed Non-Monster

Edited to add
But it turns out the real moral of the story here is (thanks to timely reminders from MG and Jim) that a certain Red-Eyed Non-Monster should always wear eye protection to save her eyes and countless bug lives from utter destruction.

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30 thoughts on “I don’t mind eating you, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

  1. Poor Gerof, I hardly knew ye. It’s around this time of year that I try to remember to take out my contact lenses and switch to my glasses for the ride home. Fewer casualties and red eyeballs!

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      • Oh sorry, I was not meaning to be sarcastic or anything. Perhaps I took your post too literally. I know you are a seasoned commuter and cyclist. I was just thinking on my own commuting setup.

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      • Oh no, I did not find you to be sarcastic in any way! I didn’t even think of the implications of tinted glasses until this winter when I tried to wear orange ski goggles at night. Let’s just say, if didn’t work well 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hold on a second there, Sparky… Clear safety glasses. Fifteen bucks, you can buy a decently stylish pair at any hardware, home improvement or even a Walmart. Buy a pair tomorrow and wear them religiously. I took a pebble off of my lens once, from a passing car. Would have blinded me in the left eye without my glasses.

    You’re lucky Gerof wasn’t a bee!

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    • Thank goodness bees always seem to go for my nose instead of eyeballs! I actually did buy a pair since the end of winter…but I haven’t gotten in the habit of wearing them. But you are right, it is intensely silly not to protect my eyes and the little lives of insects 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Aye, eye Captain. Great post. I always wonder what one could possibly write about biking on a daily basis and keep it interesting. I see with a little creativity and attention to details it’s endless. Cool.

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    • And one more comment. Aren’t you sorry you allow comments? However, the eyes are the window to the soul and quite possibly alternate universes. Everybody knows this, including flying bugs. Some bugs have been lost and searching to get home. Some people vow to be reincarnated as a flying bug for the sole purpose of exploring alternate universes. Explorers. Don’t listen to those encouraging you to wear glasses. Keep your eyes open!! Help a soul to get home.

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      • Never! Comments are the best part of blogging 😉

        Without comments how would I know that my eyes are portals to alternate universes? I would have no idea whatsoever. So I guess I should sacrifice the safety of my eyes for the free exploration of insects. It would be selfish not to, even if one eye goes blind, I still have the other one to see with!

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    • I am quite ridiculous though, let’s face it getting a bug in my eye on the way to work doesn’t mean I should write a 700 word letter to insects everywhere 🙂 But someday when I am old I will be able to read this blog and cringe at my 23 year old self and that will be fun!

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      • It’s fun now. You’re writing is clear and concise. You have a talent for writing. I look forward to each story and have to scroll back to make sure I haven’t missed one.

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  4. Once a wasp flew into my helmet right above my ear and I swerved into the ditch. Maybe I’ll look for a different shape next time.
    Last week I was on a busy street and ran into a dangling caterpillar and ended up with its silk line all over my handlebars. I feel like that would make a good silent movie bit with Harold Lloyd.

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  5. I feel your pain. I was riding on Saturday. It was dark and raining and so I couldn’t wear eye protection if I wanted to be able to see and gnat went screaming right into the middle of my eyeball. We were on a touring ride, so there were many cyclists behind me. Luckily, I was able to move to the side of the road and was able to extricate it. It was a little scary at first, though.

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  6. I was considering writing a similar post to this, albeit a out noses instead!

    I learnt the painful way, like you, about eyes and I don’t go out without glasses now. But with that avenue closed, the suicidal little creatures choose to shoot up my nose instead! Not a pleasant experience!

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